I am Changing
by SarahJane1990
Summary: Lorelai writes in her journal about her break up with Luke, her break up with Chris. Its an inside view on how she might feel about the situation… Chapter 2 now up...Please R&R...
1. How Do I Live Without You?

**SUMMARY:** Lorelai writes in her journal about her break up with Luke, her break up with Chris. Its an inside view on how she might feel about the situation…

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any of the Gilmore Girls characters or the story it is based on… If I did Luke and Lorelai would be married… lol

**Authors Note:** I am an Australian and have not been able to see the last few episodes of season 7 coz its been taken of you tube… So I may be a bit behind… sorry!  And this is one of my first fan fics, so please R&R.

**I am Changing:**

There are times in life when you wish you could go back in time and pick another path that would hopefully end with a better final result. But the truth is we can't. we are stuck with the result of the path we took, whether it be good or bad. And no matter how hard we try we never seem to be able to find where abouts on the path we hit the pitchfork that took us to were we are.

For months I have been walking around trying to hide my pain; my pain over Luke. Yes, it was hard to admit, but I still love him. And I think I always will. But that doesn't mean I'm going to be able to fix our mess.

Too much has happened for that. Neither of us are the same person as we were back then. He is a father and I am an ex-wife. Both change a person forever. It's not as if we can just forget these things. But that doesn't mean I wish we could. It's one of those things.

I will always wonder what it would be like to be Mrs Luke Danes. What it would be like to wake up to him everyday, hear him call out to me as I enter the house after getting home, to smell his cologne. But now I am left to wake up in an empty house and hoping, that he will once again be mine, is the only reason to get out of bed.

It's all a façade. I put on a smile but inside I am slowly shutting down. Slowly but surely fading into obliveration and nobody will notice.

I mean yes Rory will notice, and my parents. But my parents won't care. They will be so over the moon that there will be a parade with a marching band. My parents have that power. But apart from my family I have no one. I have Sookie but she has her own family, and Michelle, where do I start?

It feels as if I'm in a big hole in the ground, and nobody cares about handing me a ladder to get out. They walk passing stopping to look but continue right on with their lives. And that hurts, knowing that people could help if they wanted.

I sit here writing this and wonder, would I stop and help if I were them? And the funny thing is I said yes. But is that because I am… That's me right? The loud, talkative person who always makes everyone else's business her business. Well that's the me that everyone knows. But there is more to me than that. I am a kind, caring, considerate person, but people just don't see that. And I think that's because they don't want to see it!

But Luke… Luke saw it. He always had. And I was so grateful for that. He seemed to be able to see right through to the heart of me – cliché I know but it's true. And I think that's one of the reasons I love him. Because he doesn't take me for face value.

But I can't have that anymore. And I don't think that I will be able to be with anyone else whole-heartedly, knowing what I lost. Knowing that my knight in shining armour has come and gone.

I can't sit around dwelling on the past. What is in the past is in the past. I have to move on. Yes I will always wish, hope and dream that I will be Mrs Danes. But for now I have to accept that I wont and try to move on with my life.


	2. Life Goes On

**SUMMARY:** Lorelai writes in her journal about her break up with Luke, her break up with Chris. Its an inside view on how she might feel about the situation…

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any of the Gilmore Girls characters or the story it is based on… If I did Luke and Lorelai would be married… lol

**Authors Note:** I wasn't really planning to continue this but I was asked from beautiful people who reviewed the first chapter so I thought I might try… soooo here goes…

**I am Changing**

**Chapter 2:**

If we look back over our lives there is nothing we would generally change in hind site, just wonderful memories that keep us warm with joy and happiness. And its these memories that we strive to achieve in our daily lives even through the hard and trying times. We don't know when they will occur or what they will be, we just do our best at living our life to the full. And since I last wrote in this that is exactly what I have been striving to do.

I have created a list. The list is of things that I have always wanted to, so I guess you could call it a life list. Well that's what Ellen and Oprah call it anyhow. And I am going to try to do everything on this before my next birthday. The list contains things such as learning to cook and travel to the states capital and see the president.

Yes I know these things are life changing events, but this is me moving on with my life. This is the new stage in my life and part of that is going back into Luke's. yes that may seem like a bad idea. But I think that if I go back in there I will be moving on past my hurt and pain. It is a step I need to take.

It may backfire but I need to figure out how I will feel going back there and if I can go back to being just friends with Luke. Well more friends than what we were when I was till with Chris.

Life seems to through us a ball from the left field when we are expecting it from the right field. And truthfully I don't know where this will lead me. Will it help me move on? Will I be taking once step forward and three steps back?

There is only one way to find out… I have to go to Luke's Diner… So that's what I'm going to do…

**A/N:** this may not have been what you were expecting but this chapter opens up a number of different storylines I can explore… sorry to leave you on a cliff hanger… and sorry its so short… Please R&R…


	3. Like We Never Loved At All

**SUMMARY** Lorelai writes in her journal about her break up with Luke, her break up with Chris. Its an inside view on how she might feel about the situation…

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any of the Gilmore Girls characters or the story it is based on… If I did Luke and Lorelai would be married… lol

**Authors Note:** Thanks to all you beautiful people who have reviewed… I was surprised and overwhelmed with the response to my story… I have never thought of myself as a good writer… lol… probably just because I never let anyone read them… lol… just so you don't expect a chapter each day all the time I'm on school holidays at the moment… lol… well please R&R yet again…

Oh… by the way … I HATE, HATE, HATE Chris and wish that he was never brought into the storyline of season 7!... I'm all for Lorelai and Luke… well happy reading… MWA

**I am Changing**

**Chapter 3:**

I have made the biggest mistake of my life! One that tops giving my parents my address and phone number when I moved out. One that even my mom would marvel at being out of my grasps.

The moment I stepped into Luke's Diner again everything I have been working towards started to fall apart.

My whole _the past is in the past_ came tumbling down like the twin towers after the planes crashed into it. And the havoc that it has brought with it is almost as bad. I know, bad reference, but it's the only one I can think of right now.

I got to the Town Square and started freaking out. I thought _WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN I GO IN THERE?_ And all I knew was that I need to go in there to move on, to show myself that Luke had moved on and there was no reason to stay infatuated with someone who had no problem getting over me.

So I walked towards the door of the diner. As I approached the door I reached down towards the door handle turning it gently to the right and pulled exposing myself to the sounds that filled the diner, the sounds I had grown accustomed to while eating there all the time. It felt so natural to be in there. I then stepped inside and walked cautiously towards the counter, where I waited anxiously for him to serve me. I sat there waiting and waiting, glancing around taking in my surroundings. And then I herd his gruff voice mutter "What can I get you?" I looked at him half expecting him to brush me off, to pretend that he had some kind of errand that he need to do. When he finally looked at me he gasped, and a confused look took over his usually ruff demeanor.

This was the moment I had come for the moment when he would act as if he was over me. It was what I wanted, but what I didn't know was just how much that would hurt. Because little did I know that no matter how much you want something to happen it will still hit you like a tone of bricks smashing your heart and pining it as the land.

He just smiled politely and told me how much his niece had grown since I had seen her last month, clearly making small talk. He then asked if I wanted coffee. "Wow, you still remember" I said trying hard to mask the pain that had just come to the surface again. The pain over not being able to take him in my arms right then and there and tell him how much I love him. He laughed, poured the coffee and proceeded to disappear out the back.

I sat there, starring into space thinking about the many joyous times we had spent in the diner. Not only when were an item, but when we were friends. Then the tears came into my eyes threatening to explode down my face like rivers flowing to the sea. It hurt, I wont hide that fact but I had no idea how many memories it would erect from the dark cupboards. But I decided I had to stick it out. I had come in the hopes that it would help me move on and I intended in giving it a fair go. I wasn't going to run at the first signs of failure, not this time.

I sat there reliving the memories in my head, when a voice interrupted asking me to come upstairs. I looked back stunned before realising who was asking and what they were asking. Nodding in reply I got up off the chair and wondered slowly towards the stairs uncertain of what fate lay beyond them. He led me up the stairs leading me towards the apartment. I gained speed but still stayed cautious of what he was up to. I entered the apartment and wondered over towards the couch, which he had sat down on. He sat there looking at me not taking his eyes off me as if expecting me to bolt of in the other direction. I sat down and looked back at him.

"I thought we should talk" he started. "If you are going to be coming back to the diner now I think we should talk about our relationship. Well more importantly what type of relationship we have." I looked back a blank stare on face. I didn't know how to react.

"Well…" I tried gathering my thoughts together.

"We don't have to be friends. We can be just customer and diner owner. We don't have to be friends or anything." He said clearly trying to make this easier for me.

"I don't want that. I can't do that. You can't expect me to just pretend that we never were together let alone friends. I mean that's unfair. You may have been able to forgive and forget but I can't. Well I can't forget. We were engaged Luke and you think that I'm going to be able to go on and act as if there was nothing ever there." I finished with a gasp or air.

That felt good but the feeling didn't last. At first he seemed stunned at my sudden outburst but then a look of rage overtook his face. "You think that I've forgotten everything that we had…" he said raising his voice before I interrupted.

"That's not what I meant" the tears that were threatening to explode before came flooding down my face.

"That's not what you meant? Then what did you mean Lorelai? " He shouted back. I started to feel my face burning certain that he had struck a chord that was certain to be deadly.

"What did I mean? Luke, you have no idea how much this hurts right now, fighting with you. I came here trying to gain some closure so I can move on. Cause guess what I've realized that what we had is in the past. No matter what I feel I need to move on for my sake and sitting here fighting is definitely not helping me achieve that. You know what, I'm starting to think this was a mistake. How could I have been so naive to think that coming here and trying to be able to come back on a regular basis like before we got together would work in my favor?" I shouted back before I started trembling with tears. I got up, ran downstairs out of the diner and straight home. And know I'm here writing about it and wondering why I thought it may have been a good idea.

I know Luke; I have known him for more than 10 years. I should have seen that this would happen. But I guess its like what they say, Love makes us blind. It couldn't be truer. Because know I am here writing in my journal, my tears blurring my sight and making the ink from the pen run as my tears hit the paper like raindrops hitting a puddle that is building on the ground.

And what's worse is never saw it coming. All my run-ins with him would have, well should have told me that he turns it around to make it seem as if he is the victim and I'm the bad guy hurting him.

Did he even care anymore about the way I felt? Did he care that the way he treated getting over me hurt me more than he could ever know? And you know what, I don't even know the answers to these questions anymore. It feels as if, in one day, I have gone from being a strong, independent women who was on the road to happiness, to sociopath who is still, and always going to be, hung up on her ex-fiancé.

And what's worse is that I was relying on this to help push me in the right direction. But I have somehow been pushed back further than were I was when I decided I needed to move on. And knowing this is 10 times harder to deal with than the idea that I can't even have my best friend back. The person I confided in for so long is now never coming back all because I wanted closure, because I pushed him before he was ready to deal with me.

I don't know what to do. All I know is that I can't face Luke now and probably ever. So I guess I have a lot more to work thought than I thought I did. I don't know how I'm going to do it. And the only reason I'm going to try to work through this is for Rory, she's my rock, my guardian angel sent down to watch over me in times like this and this time I'm going to have to rely on her to help pull me through because I'm not going to be able to do it alone.

**A/N:** OMG that was sooo deep. I find it interesting to explore the inner workings of the characters minds and what they might actually feel behind their façade. That's why I chose this path for the story. Please tell me what you thought about that path by hitting the nifty little review bar thingy on the bottom left-hand side of this page. Because I would love your feedback so I know whether to continue the story any further. So I would absolutely, positively love you to R&R. so please hit that nifty bar thingy! 


	4. Memories

**SUMMARY:** Lorelai writes in her journal about her break up with Luke, her break up with Chris. Its an inside view on how she might feel about the situation…

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any of the Gilmore Girls characters or the story it is based on…

**AUTHORS NOTE:** this chapter was a surprise to me… it opens up a whole lot more options of story paths… BUT I will only pursue them if you guys review… lol… sorry I haven't updated in a while but things have been hectic… lol … with school, dancing and work… I will definitely try to update sooner next time… promise… so get started and read… lol

**I am Changing**

**Memory:**

Sometimes it feels as if our lives are roaring past and we are lucky if we are able to drag along. It feels as if we have no real input into our actions and may miss all our big moments and chances, leaving us with the memory of when our life was simple and predictable. I had been feeling like this ever since I had the run in with Luke and from that moment I knew I would never be the same again.

Days flew past, they turned to weeks which turned to months and before I knew it a year had flown past and all I had left were the bitter memories of when I felt like a human being and not some zombie trying to heal a wound that I knew would never heal. A wound that had cut so deep that it was impossible for it to heal and the only way to cope was to sit back and just let fate run its course taking me where it would and hoping that I would end up some place far away from the hurt and pain I had grown so accustomed to.

On rare occasions I would walk pass the diner reminiscing on the days when I spent every moment possible in there with him. I remembered every smile, every laugh, every tear, and every kiss. They all seemed so small in comparison to the big picture. The big picture that I had come to loath. It was a life I hated and I blamed myself for it. I knew Luke, I knew. But I refused to see it. And as a result I'm a divorcee with no one but my kids and dog. Yes that's right my kids. My 18 month old and my 23 year old.

I never told Luke I was pregnant. I knew that if I did he would insist we get back together so the baby could have a mother and a father. But I didn't want that. I didn't want him to be with me just for the sake of our baby. I had raised a child on my own before; I knew I could do it again. I knew that we would come to loath each other had I told him and I couldn't stand that. This was what I needed. She gave me a reason to try. She was my life and I love her so much. She is my constant reminder of hope and happiness when I can't find it. Her smile alone makes the world a place worth being. And her big blue eyes waiting to explore make me want to show her the world and give her everything that's in it.

At times I wonder whether I ultimately made the right choice about not telling Luke. But then I realise that he hurt me and I still haven't been able to forget that. And with telling him I run the risk of him hurting me again.

I remember the day I found out. It was the day after I had slept with Chris and knew that it was definitely over with Luke because of this.

I had left Chris' and started to feel sick but I put it down to nerves and regret about the night before. I drove home overwhelmed with the emotions – hurt over Luke letting me walk away and regret over then sleeping with Chris only hours after ending it with Luke. But most of all guilt. I had pushed to hard and lost him. All on the advice of a shrink I had met at my mother's just hours before I let her help me.

I got home and had a shower hoping to erase the stench of the night I'd had. I let the water run over my skin washing away all my thoughts and worries. I felt calm and like myself again but the feeling didn't last long. After getting dressed again i was overwhelmed with the compulsion to eat an apple. At this I started to panic. I had had this happen over a year ago but couldn't shake the feeling that this time it was true.

I rushed downstairs to the kitchen and rummaged around trying to find an apple to satisfy my craving. When I found it I took a bite hoping that the feeling would then go away. Instead I ran back upstairs and into the bathroom where I realised I was definitely pregnant. I had morning sickness and would put up with it for the next 8 months of my pregnancy.

Unable to leave the house I panicked. "No…. what?! How?!" I knew I had to do something so I picked up the phone and rang the first person who came to mind.

"Hello?" I herd

"Hey hon. Listen I need you to do something for me." I replied.

"OK what?" Rory replied unsure of what I was going to ask her to do.

"Ummmm…. I'm sort of stuck at home and need you to go to the chemist near your school pick up a pregnancy test and bring it to me.?" I replied.

"What? Why?" Rory enquired trying to come to terms with what I had asked.

"I just ate and apple and then proceeded to…" I started before I was interrupted.

"Oh.. are you Ok? Ill be right there just stay still. I'll ring Sookie get her to stay with you till I get there. Where's Luke?" came her response.

"Uh he's… well he's just really busy today and I don't want to bother him right now." I shot back trying desperately not to let her hear the hurt in my voice at the mention of his name.

"Kay well I'm on my way." Rory ended before hanging up.

Those simple words were one that helped me through the whole 9 months. My simple pillar that was there at the drop of a hat when ever I needed her.

It all seems like it was yesterday. I sit here wondering what would have happened if I had of told Luke.

**A/N:** so I no that was short and probably not what you were expecting but that's me full of suprises….lol…. don't worry if you don't understand where this is coming from coz it came from my head and if your not me you wont understand…. And im rambling so ummmmm just please R&R…… XOXOXO


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